Dylan's Face
by St. Fang of Boredom
Summary: For all those haters of Dylan, or just those who love a good insult. A list of the terrible things Dylan's face has brought upon us. It's a Maximum Ride fan's version of Chuck Norris jokes!
1. Chapter 1

So, once upon a time, there was a guy named David who just lived to be picked on.

Amanda and David worked together, and one day, Amanda told David that his face was an epidemic.

When a girl going by the alias 'Saint' and her companion, Fang, found out about this joke, they began to help Amanda think of more 'David's Face' jokes.

(By the way, David's a great sport about the whole thing. He thinks they're funny.)

Well, one night, when Saint was severely pissed-off at a certain MR character named Dylan, she decided to Maximum Ride-ify the 'David's Face' jokes into 'Dylan's Face' joke.

And the Maximum Ride equivalent to Chuck Norris jokes was born.

Fang: I helped. And gladly.

Me: 'Twas fun.

Fang: Can we get on with the embarrassment of Dylan now?

Me: Not before...

**Dylan's Face Is Why Disclaimers Are Boring: **I don't own Maximum Ride. -sigh- Don't own Dylan's face, thank God. I don't own all of these jokes, either, just most. Amanda, Jessica, and Fang helped with many of the jokes and some were suggested by Vera and Nat. Theirs have their names after them.

**Important Note 1: **I know Dylan's actually supposed to be very good-looking, but I'm making fun of him, so there. Heck, the original face joke guy, David, isn't ugly, but we're picking on him. You get it...

**Important Note 2: **I mean no offense to any groups, races, etc. mentioned here. Some of these are inside jokes with certain people, too. The only one I mean to offend is Dylan.

Fang: So...Anything else?

Me: I think it can all wait 'till the end. Let's post this thing!

Fang: Never has a fic of yours made me so happy...Or just happy in general...

* * *

Dylan's face is an epidemic.

Dylan's face makes fat people skinny.

Dylan's face makes black people white.

Dylan's face makes white people transparent.

Dylan's face makes an Ethiopian lose his appetite.

Dylan's face would make a Kenyan slow down.

Dylan's face is why Bin Laden is in hiding.

Dylan's face is the unwritten 11th plague of Exodus.

Dylan's face is illegal in some countries.

Dylan's face gives cows mastitis.

A Hessian soldier once had a face like Dylan's. He cut off his head to get rid of it. He is now known as the Headless Horseman.

It's not a monster under your bed. It's a Dylan mask.

Dylan's face is the reason ICUs are so busy.

Dylan's face turned Iggy straight.

Dylan's face is why there are so many alcoholics.

Dylan's face causes bad balance.

Dylan's face is second only to 8 year old Diet Mountain Dew.

They use Dylan's face to anger bulls before a bull fight.

Dylan's face made Iggy blind.

Dylan's face was the inspiration for Frankenstein's Monster.

Dylan got thrown out of McDonald's because his face scared Ronald McDonald.

Dylan's face is the real reason Fang left the Flock.

U2 + G(L/Y) = Dylan's face

Dylan's face is why there's a book in the Bible called "Lamentations".

Dylan's face causes frostbite.

Exposure to Dylan's face can cause low IQ test scores.

Jeb on purposely loses his glasses so he doesn't have to see Dylan's face.

Exposure to Dylan's face turned Angel evil.

There's one face not allowed on Facebook: Dylan's.

Dylan's face is considered animal abuse when he enters a pet store.

Dylan's face is the real reason people lock the doors at night.

Dylan's face intimidates Chuck Norris.

Dylan's face is why cats use indoor litter boxes. They don't want to risk going outside and seeing him.

Dylan's face is why dogs run away from home.

Dylan's face causes cancer.

Gandalf the Grey saw Dylan's face. He is now known as Gandalf the White.

Dylan's face knocked down the Ugly Tree.

Dylan's face is the new Weight Watchers.

Dylan's face caused earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and California. -From Nat

Dylan's face is what turned Mr. Chu green.

Brigid was scared into the plothole by Dylan's face.

Dylan's face made it impossible for us to tell if zebras are black with white stripes or white with

black stripes. -From Vera

Dylan's face is the reason Mars no longer supports life. -From Vera

Dylan's face causes dandruff.

Dylan's face made Fang's pet mice lesbians.

Dylan's face is why Australia is 'down under'. They're hoping to hide down there so he won't see them.

Seeing Dylan's face is what _really_ swore Carlisle off of drinking human blood.

Dylan's face can be used in place of a Patronous to scare Dementors away.

Vice President Biden attempted to drop a bomb in hopes of blowing up Dylan's face. (Unfortunately, he dropped the wrong one...)

Dylan's face made Clay Aiken reconsider women.

Dylan's face is what really killed Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

The O-zone, in an attempt to eliminate Dylan's face from it's planet, began to get hotter in hopes of burning him off. This natural defense mechanism is now known as Global Warming.

Dylan's face can cause you to sing off key.

Dylan's face can cause a drop in self-confidence.

Dylan's face can cause you to lose The Game. (By the way, I lose.)

Dylan's face is the leading cause of sexual dysfunction.

The reason FlockUpdates took so long to put up their last video? Well, one of them kidnapped Dylan, and looking at his face caused a drop in inspiration...

Dylan's face is an insult to the Y chromosome.

Dylan's face caused the Pillsbury Doughboy to finally bake himself.

Canada took one look at Dylan's face and threw him on the first plane to Africa. They also deny his existence.

Dylan's face made the Balrog run away.

Dylan's face can make St. Fang of Boredom get writer's block.

* * *

Me: And that's a fact. That's all I have for now.

Fang: No more?

Me: Well, unless someone thinks of more...Feel free to come up with your own! If I get enough suggestions, maybe I'll be able to make a chapter 2...

Fang: And feel free to use these insults elsewhere. They're a bit more creative than the norm...

Me: So, time to humiliate Dylan...

Fang: My day has come...

R&R?

**One More Note: **About the 8-year-old Diet Mountain Dew, yes, I have tried it, and I can safely say that there is very little in this world that is more disgusting.


	2. Chapter 2

Me: It's what you've all been waiting for...

Fang: MORE DYLAN'S FACE JOKES!

Me: And now for our Reviewer's Chapter!

* * *

**PandoraNightRide**

Dylan's face is the reason we have the letter Q.

Dylan's face made a diamond shatter.

Dylan's face broke my mirror...and my camera...and my eyes.

Dylan's face made my turtle run at 150 mph just to get away.

Dylan's face scares Freddy Cruger away.

Dylan's face made Spongebob emo.

Dylan's face made the dinosaurs commit suicide.

Dylan's face is what will kill the world in 2012.

* * *

**Vera Amber**

Dylan's face is the reason My Immortal was created.

Dylan's face broke my pencil. Again.

Dylan's face is the reason Catherine Hardwicke is considering Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson as Max and Fang.

Dylan's face turned Lissa into a slut.

Dylan's face made M-r-nd-n turn evil.

Dylan's face is the reason Buffy hasn't staked Edward yet.

Dylan's face made 'What?' get deleted.

Dylan's face killed the Oxi-Clean guy.

* * *

**UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND**

Dylan makes Justin Bieber look staight.

Dylan's face is now the second higest cause of death in the world, right after commitiing suicide after seeing his face.

God accidentally sat in some wet clay, the result was Dylan's face.

Dylan's face can curdle milk.

Someone shat on Dylan's face and said 'thats a big improvement.'

Dylan can't grow facial hair, it would run away.

Dylan's face killed the crops and started world hunger.

Dylan's face is why Pluto isn't a planet anymore.

Dylan was once kicked out of an ugly contest and was told 'no professionals.'

Dylan's face makes Gazzy's farts seem like a bed of roses.

* * *

**MissA540**

Dylan's face is what Poison Control told people to look at to induce vomiting. (My friend Felicia gave me this... Don't know where she got it...)

Dylan's face is what the government is using to try to kill people.

Dylan's face is so plastic that it made the Ken doll complain of copyright.

Dylan is so plastic that when he dies they are just going to cut him up and put him in Lego boxes. (Felicia again... Where does she get them?)

* * *

**Call me Mad**

Dylan's face is the reason I can no longer spell hapi-happy-hapinness. -sobs-

* * *

**Praise Jeebus**

Dylan's face crashes Fanfiction.

* * *

**CrazyNerdyFangirl**

Dylan's face made Hades hide in the Underworld so he wouldn't have to see it.

Seeing dead people is preferable to seeing Dylan's face.

Dylan's face is what caused James Patterson to put so many fanfiction cliches in FANG.

* * *

**IamCastiel**

Dylan's face is the reason why Catherine Hardwicke wants to cast Kristen and Robert as Max and Fang.

Dylan's face is the reason why the Collingwood Magpies lost the 2009 AFL Semi Final.

Dylan's face is the reason why our parents used to try and shove vegetables down our throats.

Dylan's face is so unexplainably ugly that it scared the devil into locking himself downstairs (This is the only way Dylan's face has ever and will ever come in handy).

* * *

**james** (Not a face joke, but I must comment...)

I love this poem...NOT!I really,really,REALLY DON'T LIKE THIS STUPID POEM OR WAS IT A STORY?IT dosent matter cause I still don't like it.

Me: James, hun. When I start caring...Dylan's face'll start looking good.

Ha, now you're involved in the story you hate. I win.

* * *

**Rachel**

Sporks were created because of Dylan's face.

* * *

**i . luv . dancing . in . the . rain **(Without the spaces. You know FF...)

Dylan's face is what made him attempt suicide.

Voldemort was deemed beautiful after they saw Dylan's face.

* * *

**of untold secrets**

Dylan's face is what's known as capital punishment in some countries.

When Dylan was younger, he had a different name. His name was Medusa.

Dylan's face was what Itex was originally planning to use for the By-Half plan.

Dylan's face was the real reason why Romeo and Juliet suicided.

The government does not make bombs-Dylan's face works far better.

* * *

**Thrash Unreal's Alter Ego, 'Me2'**

Dylan's face causes swine flu.

Dylan's face should come with a warning label.

Dylan's face makes Robert Pattinson seem as sexy as Fang.

Dylan's face makes ice cream freezerburn.

Dylan's face made Tom Riddle turn evil.

Dylan's face turned Joe Jonas straight.

* * *

**Kara**

Dylan's face causes Saint to fail at ghetto.

(Don't be gettin' up in my grill about that, home slice!)

(Fang: No, Saint...Just no...)

* * *

**Natvv**

The Veronicas will move onto the next planet, because Dylan's face will scare them away.

* * *

**Rae**

Dylan's face boosted the Phantom of the Opera's self-esteem.

* * *

**Alicainva**

Pangea seperated into different continents to try get away from Dylan's face

Edward once looked at Dylan's face. Now he won't let Bella out of his sight to spare her the horror.

* * *

**Cake-chan & Momo**

Dylan's face is the reason no one knows the last number of Pi.

* * *

**Night owl-Day Goddess**

Dylan's face doesn't get paid in gum.

* * *

**emotionalpoemgirl**

Dylan's face killed off the Romans.

Dylan's face caused WW3.

Dylan's face started slavery.

Dylan's face killed Alexander the Great.

* * *

**Ailat**

Dylan's face is the real reason the Vorgons decided to destroy Earth. They didn't want the competition.

* * *

**Needs - a - straight - Jacket **(Once again, ignore spaces...)

Dylan's face is why the dinosaurs pretend to be extinct.

Dylan's face turns cannibals vegetarien.

Dylan's face is why human kind pretends to be evolved from Monkeys, as an excuse.

Dylan's face is why Monkeys pretend not to be associated with the human race.

Dylan's face makes babies cry.

Dylan's face makes adults cry.

Dylan's face makes ANYONE cry.

Dylan's face is the reason why the Guinness Book of World Records doesn't have " the most ugliest face in the world" on record.

Dylan's face classes as an international health hazard.

Evolution forgot one face, Dylan's.

* * *

**cookie - pocky - strawberry - love **(Ignoring spaces again...)

Dylan's face is the reason Max wont go to real school.

* * *

**HamanoAiko**

There is only one thing Chuck Norris is afraid of. And that is Dylan's face.

Dylan's face scares little kids into playing with Michael Jackson's Ghost.

Dylan's face (insert greater than sign here) Fang's face.

Dylan's face is why people commit suicide. They've seen it and are afraid they might see it again.

Dylan's face is why Lady GaGa became a Lady. (I personally think she's always been a woman, but...)

Dylan's face is why my brother is now dating a girl.

Dylan's face is why Chuck Norris jokes aren't as funny anymore.

Dylan's face is why the recession happened.

Dylan's face = Justin Bieber's face.

* * *

**Inna Adalira**

Dylan's face is why the chicken crossed the road.

* * *

**Random Person In ur Bushes**

Dylan's face is the reason babies cry at night.

The dark is afraid of Dylan's face.

Every time someone sees Dylan's face an author dies.

Dylan's face causes rabies.

* * *

**A frequent reader and Iggy **(Hmmm...Who could this be?)

Dylan's face is the reason the digits of Pi run so long.

* * *

**AbsolutelyMe -LightningGirl- **(Ignore the space...)

Dylan's face can turn Medusa to stone.

Dylan's face is the reason it's taking so long to cast people for the Maximum Ride movie.

Dylan's face is why Catherine Hardwick got to direct the Maximum Ride movie.

Dylan's Face is the reason Africa is plagued with malaria.

Dylan's Face is the reason the Mona Lisa doesn't smile.

Dylan's Face is the reason Justin Bieber (Dylan) will never be a good singer.

Dylan's Face is the reason they'll ban FANG from libraries.

Dylan's Face made Chuck Norris cry.

Dylan's Face is why you never see the flock in newspapers.

Dylan's Face is the reason Legos will take over the world in 2012. (The greatest weapon of all...)

Dylan's Face made Shrek blue.

Dylan's Face is the reason nobody will have the name "Dylan" in 5-20 years

Dylan's Face is the reason Lissa and Fang ever got together in the first place. (Likewise for Max and Sam)

Dylan's Face is the reason Max pushed him off the roof in FANG.

Dylan's Face is the reason the Erasers came back to life. They worship his ugliness, and will become a giant army that will back up the evil Legos in the Great Lego Revolution of 2012, in which peoples' only hope will be to retreat to Canada, which St. Fang of Boredom will probably have conquered and renamed Canadia. There, she will defend the Human Race with her Jello Cannon of Doom.

* * *

**Kit - TheWingedWolf **(Spaces are imaginary...)

Dylan's face is the real reason Ari was so messed up.

Dylan's face is what gave all the Erasers their expiration dates.

Dylan's face is what killed Micheal Jackson. (no offense intended to MJ)

* * *

**hppgrl7**

Dylan's face makes Freddy afraid to go to sleep.

* * *

**UnbrokenSilences**

Dylan's face is why school teachers demand a pay raise.

Dylan's face is what made Harry Potter hairy.

* * *

**cupcakechick22**

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he saw Dylan's face.

* * *

**misguidedXghost**

Dylan's face causes metal to rust and flowers to wilt.

* * *

**Death Muncher With a Side of Crazy** (Spaces? What spaces? Not here...)

Dylan's face is the reason the world spins; it does so in hopes that he will be flung into space one day, then the aliens will have to deal with him.

Dylan's face is the reason that the Sahara is a desert.

* * *

**Rosy - Fingered - Dawn** (Yeah, this space thing is beginning to annoy me...Why does FF need its space?)

Dylan's face makes Voldemort suicidal.

* * *

**starjumper**

Dylan's Face makes your 8-year-old Mountain Dew look like America's Next Supermodel.

* * *

**Armygirl0604**

Dylan's face is the REAL reason that Armygirl0604 broke her nose last night: She was about to catch the ball and his face came into her head. She was so scared she let a ball beat her up.

* * *

**siriusly chibi**

Chuck Norris checks under his bed at night for Dylan.

Dylan's face made Mike Tyson scream like a girl.

Dylan's face is so ugly, he makes RPatz look good.

Dylan didn't get the part of ET 'cause he is too ugly.

Terrorist groups all around the world are bidding for even a picture of Dylan's face.

Dylan's face always makes you feel good about yourself.

Dylan's face is so ugly it made an onion cry.

* * *

**Thy - Lady - X **(Yeah, the space thing again...)

Dylan's face makes Atlas want to stop holding the world.

Dylan was created to be age 16 because they couldn't get any elementary schools to accept him because his face scares the other children.

Dylan's the real reason olympic ice skaters fall.

Kalona became addicted to women because Dylan's Face turned him off men.

* * *

**Skits and Iggy (A.K.A the Fangalicous08 crew)**

Iggy: Dylan's face is why there's a hole in the ozone...

Me: Dylan's face is the reason J.P throws everything into the plothole...

Iggy: Dylan's face is the reason we don't know about the rest of Ella's family...

Me: Dylan's face is the reason Justin Bieber has yet to hit puberty...

Iggy: Amelia Earhart didn't disappear, she saw Dylan's face and her plane spontaneously combusted.

Me: -snickers- Dylan's face is the reason that Guam will capsize...

Iggy: Dylan's face is GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT! ...LOL JK It's horrid...

Me: Dylan's face is the 8th wonder of the world...but there's a reason most people don't know that...because it's Dylan's Face.

Iggy: Dylan's face is the reason Bobby Proud sings everything.

Me: Fang can turn men gay, Dylan's face turns 'em back.

Iggy: Compared to Dylan's face, Robert Pattinson looks damn sexy.

Me: Dylan's face was the cause of Phantom Message on dA. (Quick explanation: On the old version of DeviantArt(dot)com, sometimes it would say that you had a message when you didn't really, hence Phantom Message. It was because the system was slow, all thanks to Dylan's face.)

Iggy: The oil spill isn't really BP's fault. They saw Dylan's face and freaked out.

Me: The BP oil spill didn't really kill Spongebob...Dylan's face did.

Iggy: Do you wanna be unda da sea? Just say no, Dylan's face is under there.

Me: Why does Chum Bucket food suck so much? Plankton's secret ingredient was Dylan's face.

Iggy: Why did Krabby Patties rock? ...Well, no thanks to Dylan's face.

Me: I forgot about Father's Day this year, all because of Dylan's face.

Iggy: Dylan's face is the reason Kristen Stewart stutters so much.

* * *

**da otehr nudge**

Dylan's face is the reason emo kids exist.

* * *

**Fnick's Witness**

Dylan's face is the reason the country's economy's jacked up.

Why did the dinosaurs die? They saw Dylan's face.

JP saw Dylan's face in a dream once. Now his writing doesn't make sense.

Dylan's face made prisoners want to go on death row.

A puppy just died because of Dylan's face.

Dylan's face caused the Holocaust.

Dylan's face turned Jeb evil.

Ari died in StWaOES cos he imagined what Dylan's face looked like.

Micheal Jackson didn't die of a heart attack. He just saw Dylan's face.

* * *

**SareRide9**

Dylan's face caused the stock market to collapse.

Dylan's face is why children are starving in Africa.

Dylan's face is why animals go extinct.

Too much exposure to Dylan's face is the main reason people think the world will end in 2010.

Dylan's face is why unicorns don't exist.

Max has to save the world because Dylan's face put it in danger.

Dylan's face caused Michael Jackson death.

* * *

**Amanda**

How Dylan Could Become Rich: Sell his face as a Halloween mask.

* * *

**Heart Torn Out**

Dylan's face is what causes hermaphordites to choose a gender.

Dylan's face is what Santa gives naughty kids for christmas (worst punishment ever!).

Dylan's face is what turns cream cheese blue and blue cheese green.

2012: Dylan's face

Dylan's face was one mystery Sherlock Holmes COULDN'T solve.

* * *

**More From Saint and Fang!**

Dylan's face turned Fang's pet mouse into a sociopath.

After learning of Dylan's face, Saint was struck with a severe case of writer's block, hence the long wait between chapters.

Dylan's face is why the heifers keep trying to escape.

Dylan's face gave my dog arthritis.

Dylan's face is the 8th Deadly Sin.

Dylan's face is why Stevo won't let go of his dick.

Subway heard Dylan was coming to get a sandwich, so they started to sell their sandwiches at 5 dollars in hopes of getting rid of them all before he got there so they could close. They're still trying.

* * *

Me: Awesome jokes, everyone!

Fang: Ha ha, Dylan...

Me: Now, since you all have such great imaginations, I give you another challenge.

Fang: The Saint's Sequels Contest?

Me: Exactly. It's a fanfiction contest I'm holding which I strongly suggest you check out. Details are both in a forum bearing the name of the contest and in the Poetry Corner.

Fang: So go look it up!

Me: GO!

Fang: ...Caps are _my_ job!

Me: Be my guest.

Fang: GO GO GO!

R&R&GO before Fang yells again...


End file.
